Wow I haven't been back to this community since 2012. I found I wanted to recover and maybe I genuinely tried for a little while but I'm back because I Relapsed so hard back into my ED.
Below is just my rant so please excuse the length and feel free to just skip over! :x
I've befriended Mia for approximately 3.5 years and Ana on and off for 4 years now. Crazy to think I've been in this crazy self-hating world for so long. But the stress from my life has made me food obsessed the past few weeks and I've been b/ping so much and I have completely lost control. I'm really scared actually.
I was face timing my long distance boyfriend today and I broke down. I had just b/p's before taking to him and he doesn't even know I have an ED. I felt so alone and scared and at the same time so shamed and angry at myself for being so big, fat, unable to lose the weight despite having an ED. Does anyone ever feel like that? Like I feel like a failure for having an ED but also even bigger loser for not even being able to be successful at having an ED because Im still huge
And what's worse is a few days ago I thought I saw my ex bf from high school... Someone I hadn't seen in like 6 years! Immediately I felt so embarrassed to see him and shamed of my body... Also regretting not working out harder and looking better. I guess I wanted my ex to regret breaking up with me and think "damn i shouldn't have let her get away."
But Nop. I felt huge and embarrassed...
Anyways, I'm going to Las Vegas in 1 week with my friends and god help me I need to lose at least 5 lbs by then -_- we will be going out to clubs and all that jazz and I really want to feel good in my little black dresses :(
And the week after I'm flying to see my counsins who I haven't seen in 5 years!! UGHHHH SO MANY FUCKIG EVENTS AND PRESSURE no wonder I'm feeling so anxious and my ED thoughts are out pf control!! Need to lose at least 10 lbs by the time I see those fam members!!
Here are my stats:
Height- 5 7"
Gw2- 125 by Vegas
Gw3- 120- by family trip