laughoutloud27


Pro Ana Lifestyle Journal

to thin and beautiful


Breakfast binges... HELP!
laughoutloud27

I don't know why but I always end of binging for breakfast! And most of the time, it's followed by me trying to get it all out again in the bathroom (sorry TMI).
I always tell myself I will stop but I just wake up so hungry in the morning and when I decide to eat just a small healthy meal, it turns into a massive binge followed by extreme feelings of guilt.

I think it's because i tell myself it's the first meal of the day so i can eat a little bit more and it's okay, but then I can't seem to be able to stop myself from continuing to eat everything! :( it's so disappointing an depressing going through this almost every morning.

SO I was wondering if anyone has any good tips in how not to binge in the morning? I really REALLYYYY need to stop my b/p cycle and I would love nothing more than to be able to eat a normal gilt free meal for breakfast :(
Any tips and help would be much appreciated! Thank you and hope everyone is having a great day!

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

My bp's have really gone out if control... To the point where I actually want to reach out for some real help from my family but I fear them judging me or not taking me seriously... Or worse, being disappointed in me.

So I guess I do the next best thing which is try to help myself. And to hold myself accountable, I want to do a 7 day no b/p commitment on here. I will check in each day and do an update. After the 7 days I will try to continue. I want to do like a 30 day challenge but I'm just being realistic with myself here and just getting through a week will be a HUGE challenge for me.

Sorry this post was boring and uninformative, just wanted to put it out there in public somewhere to hold myself accountable.
If anyone else wants to join me on this journey, please msg me! :)

Here's to good luck and to good health!
Hope all of you are having a lovely day and stay strong everyone!

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

Flew to see my relatives for the first time in 5 years. I'm on vacation for 3 weeks in Asia. It's end of week 2 and I just wna go back to the states already. Since the last time I saw my relatives here, I have lost about 16 pounds... And all I'm hearing from them is how much better I look without that extra weight. Maybe I should feel flattered that they think I got prettier but honestly all it's doing is lowering my self esteem, feeding my eating disorder, and making me just focus more on losing weight. I feel fatter each and every day and it literally kills me not having a scale to weigh myself everyday. I'm supposed to be on vacation but I've been obsessing over how my jeans fit me every morning as my method of seeing if I gained any weight and feeling horrible if my pants feel tighter than I would like it to that I can't even enjoy myself here. I catch a glimpse of myself in mirrors or glass windows nd I look bigger than ever... I guess objectively speaking my pants fit relatively about the same but holy mother of mackaral I look effing huge and I feel gigantic!! Ugh... I'm sick of feeling so disgusting and gross.,,. :'(

Worst part is I have no friends here and my cousins are all busy working to hang out/ talk to me. Actually I'm not even close to them. I'm stuck in a foreign country alone with no one to meet or talk to. I feel so frikking lonely and I told myself I wouldn't b/p here but I've broken that promise to myself 3 times already which makes me so angry and disappointed in myself. The past few days I'll be out with my mom and i would just start crying in the middle of the street because I feel so lonely and I hate myself so much and I can't stop. Feeling so pathetic...

Just want to be skinny and feel beautiful in front of the mirror for once. Just want to disappear.

Tags:

Hello again
laughoutloud27

Wow I haven't been back to this community since 2012. I found I wanted to recover and maybe I genuinely tried for a little while but I'm back because I Relapsed so hard back into my ED.

Below is just my rant so please excuse the length and feel free to just skip over! :x

I've befriended Mia for approximately 3.5 years and Ana on and off for 4 years now. Crazy to think I've been in this crazy self-hating world for so long. But the stress from my life has made me food obsessed the past few weeks and I've been b/ping so much and I have completely lost control. I'm really scared actually.

I was face timing my long distance boyfriend today and I broke down. I had just b/p's before taking to him and he doesn't even know I have an ED. I felt so alone and scared and at the same time so shamed and angry at myself for being so big, fat, unable to lose the weight despite having an ED. Does anyone ever feel like that? Like I feel like a failure for having an ED but also even bigger loser for not even being able to be successful at having an ED because Im still huge
Sigh...

And what's worse is a few days ago I thought I saw my ex bf from high school... Someone I hadn't seen in like 6 years! Immediately I felt so embarrassed to see him and shamed of my body... Also regretting not working out harder and looking better. I guess I wanted my ex to regret breaking up with me and think "damn i shouldn't have let her get away."

But Nop. I felt huge and embarrassed...

Anyways, I'm going to Las Vegas in 1 week with my friends and god help me I need to lose at least 5 lbs by then -_- we will be going out to clubs and all that jazz and I really want to feel good in my little black dresses :(
And the week after I'm flying to see my counsins who I haven't seen in 5 years!! UGHHHH SO MANY FUCKIG EVENTS AND PRESSURE no wonder I'm feeling so anxious and my ED thoughts are out pf control!! Need to lose at least 10 lbs by the time I see those fam members!!

Here are my stats:

Height- 5 7"
Hw-142
Sw- 137
Cw- 130.2
Gw1- 127
Gw2- 125 by Vegas
Gw3- 120- by family trip
UGW-115

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

Since I started studying for my exam and interviewing for jobs the past week I have had ZERO appetite. It's to the point where just the thought of food makes me feel I'll. this is so weird because when I was even in deeper Ana I LOVED food. I thought about food constantly and I wanted to eat everything in the world it's just I didn't allow myself to eat. And if I would take a bite of something yummy I would savor the taste and just force myself to stop. But now? Can't even take a bite of something without it tasting dry or tasteless and I can't physically swallow the food. I guess the stress is really getting To me because food is the last thing on my mind. Worst thing is my mom thinks there is something seriously wrong with me so keeps bringing me food -_- ugh so annoying... Nd then it just sits on my desk stinking up my room with its gross smell while I study. Even right this very moment my stomach is growing because I haven't eaten anything in about 23 hrs other than a little smoothie and a handful of crackers. but I can't eat. The thought of the solid food going down my neck is disgusting really... And I can't tell if I'm happy about all this or not. Obviously I've been shedding pounds but I have also been trying hard the past few weeks to recover nd this is a major step backwards :x or is it? Because I also haven't b/p'ed in that time since I haven't had the urge to eat anything at all. I don't know it's all too confusing and I'm too stressed the fk out to even care anymore.... -_-

Sigh... Life of a girl with an ED #EDlife

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

At Starbucks to get a regular coffee for some energy and a lady who clearly looks overweight orders a "venti caramel frapp... With extra caramel" @_@ I know it's none of my business and she can treat herself to whatever she wants but I could not help but cringe a little nd felt my heart tightening as if I was the one ordering it for myself... :( in my head im yelling "what?!? ure not going to at least ask for no whip cream?! or fat free milk!! or get it 'skinny'?!?"
I wish I could drink a regular frapp too because that used to be my favorite drink at Starbucks before my ED. I'm jealous of this woman but kind of proud of myself for not drinking it at the same time -_- ugh... My crazy ED head is screwed in wrong.

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

I got the flu last night with 105 degree fever. I couldnt move or even open my eyes jn bed. all i could think was "i deserve this. i deserve to be in this much pain and for my body to be in this state after all the terrible things i have done to my body. From starving myself, purging every day, over-exercising, abusing laxatives... basically harassing and abusing my body. Of course my immune system would be complete shi* and my body would crash." I actually felt really sorry for my body. I'm not trying to sound all 'look at me and feel sorry for me' by no means. My mind felt sorry for my body in a sense that I wanted to do better things for my entire self- both body and mind. I think this ED allowed my mind to have power over my physical body- Where my body would get hungry and or try to tell me that I need to get better but my mind would tell me not to eat or to purge what I ate because Im still fat. I lost 4.7 lbs the last 4 days and I'm pretty sure that contributed to my low immune system.
I feel a little better now and can actually open my eyes and post this. I think this was a lesson for me to slow things down in my weight loss and try to listen to my body a little more and listen to my mind a little less. After all, we only have one chance at life and one body to live it. Last night really felt like hell and I don't want to feel that sick ever again. Im going to increase my intake of calories and start building some strong muscles once i feel completely better. I hope we can all journey towards loving and appreciating our bodies <3 stay safe my friends! I will be praying for the members in this community to be healthy and happy

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

So I'm in tears right now after having another panic attack. My mom doesn't know that I was sexually assaulted last year and she just says to me "no wonder girls walking around the streets in short shorts get raped, they are basically asking for it by showing so much skin like that" and I was just shocked at the stupidity of this statement and how clueless and conservative she was. That's like saying it was the money's fault for looking so attractive when the robber decide to steal cash at the bank.
Stupid stupid stupid.
Do girls wearing shorts walk around WANTING to be raped?! No. Are men so dumb and uncivilized that they can't even control their urges?! If we think in terms of my mother We might as well just equivocate men to gorillas incapable of making rational decisions and just blame all rapes to the girls. yeah that world TOTALY makes sense. YEAH RIGHT. How would she ever understand what I went trough last year?! I got so angry at her that I just screamed at her "wow mom you have officially said the most stupid thing you have ever said to me in my entire life! Don't you ever say that to someone else because I will be SO ashamed and embarrassed to even be related to you thinking that way" and marched upstairs to my room. I know it was harsh but I was so angry i was on the verge of tears. This is why I don't come home to see my parents often. First time seeing them in 6 months for just this weekend and already it's proving to be so difficult.
And they were just trying to persuade me to move back in with them... And I was thinking it might be a good idea, but after this, hell f'ing no way.
So now I feel more lonely than ever and all I can think about is how I can sleep for eternity and never wake up so I don't have to feel so much pain anymore.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

Started seeing an eating disorder specialist on top of my regular therapist. But nothing seems to help and everything just seems to be a horrible reminder of what a big failure I am. Being this sick in the head. Looking this ugly. Feeling this pathetic... I have come to terms that perhaps I will never recover from my ED and I will be alone forever.

All I want is to be thin and beautiful. Just want to feel good about myself for once.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

(no subject)
laughoutloud27

Didnt eat all day 8am-5pm and ended up coming home and binging on stupid broccoli.. And then I purged. Not sure if I got everything out (sorry gross) but now I have a terrible headache. It's 6:37 pm now, was supposed to go to the gym but I'm so tired I can't get my lazy ass off of this bed :( I'm such a failure...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags:

?

Log in

No account? Create an account